grown-up fangirl


Hello my name is Sara and I’m a grown woman fangirl. I don’t know how this happened – last month I was perfectly sane and normal, concerned about things like gas bills and work and my iphone battery life, then BAM!
The 14-year old Star Wars obsessive in me reared up like a sleeping sarlacc, like IF PLAGEIUS WASN’T REALLY DEAD AT ALL, and all of a sudden I’m right back in the thick of it all.

I’m making my fiancΓ© watch all the movies with me every night and telling him allll the secret things that only diehard fans know. I’m frequenting a lot of Star Wars forums at 3am. I’m following @hamillhimself on Twitter, and I’m pretty sure we’re going to be best friends.

The problem is, unlike 16-year-old me, I don’t really have the time for this – I’m a bit too busy to be fangirling in my 30s. It’s 11pm and I’ve got a lot of playmobil to tidy up, my inbox is full and the cat just shat behind the fiddle leaf fig tree. I can’t really afford to waste time reading Star Wars fanfiction, however well written or saucy it may be.

Plus, it is really a bit wrong to fancy a man the same age as your father, however badass he makes it look. It’s even worse to fancy a 1970s on-screen teen – it’s all entirely inappropriate, and really, it needs to stop, right now.

I text my best friend: do you think it’s ok to take Diazepam because I’m too excited about Star Wars? She replies that her GP just gave her a fresh batch ‘seeing as it’s Christmas’, so probably yes. She also suggests my sudden Star Wars joy could actually be masking a more subtle problem, which seems to make sense, but what?

The hell of family a Christmas? Neglecting to take a single hour’s break for the last 6 months? Deep seated regrets about throwing away my childhood Luke Skywalker cutout when he got a bit tatty?
Who can really say??


Perhaps there’s not enough space adventure in my life; the quiet domesticity I live and blog about lacks obvious thrills, but video interviews and public speaking have already stretched my comfort zone beyond its own elastic limits.

In the end I come to a simple conclusion; I’m always obsessing about something. Usually it’s work & worry & keeping on going, and in light of the Christmas break, all that nervous energy had to go somewhere else. And lucky lucky Mark Hamill, it’s all gone to him, his standout movie franchise, and his beautiful 1970s baby face.

PS – If you don’t already follow me on twitter, you’re missing the daily comedic JOY of my #meandmarkhamill tweets. For shame!

PPS – I wrote a sliiiightly more sensible something about re-watching the Star Wars trilogy for the first time with adult eyes for Standard Issue, here.

  • I took the whole family to see the new one Saturday night in 3D and it has rekindled my love for Star Wars especially as I get to share it with a new generation of soon to be fans! We all obsess and its normal (I hope) for us to seek refuge from our day to day life in a fantasy life. I do it all the time!

    • Yes! The new one is what tipped me over the edge – especially the last 15 seconds! EEEeeep! x

  • Oh… I understand You πŸ™‚ Last time we decided with my boyfriend to watch new part of Star Wars, but … first we should watch all before that. So we start from 1, but 1 in all story not first, which was made. For me interesting is not the story (sometimes the story is too complicated ;)) but how was that movie making and example, not chronologically. Why? I am so sad, because I can’t see Ewan McGregor in 4rd part :((( I like it and I wonder what will show Disney in next parts πŸ™‚ Enjoy your time with Yoda πŸ™‚

    • There are rumours of a new Obi Wan prequel with Ewan, and the possibility of a guest appearance by him in one of the new instalments. Did you catch his one line in The Force Awakens? It was pretty subtle, but it was really him! x #starwarsfacts

  • I 100% relate to always having to be obsessed with something! I’d say Star Wars is a pretty decent thing to obsess over πŸ™‚

    • Thanks Alyssa! Approval helps :D. Obsessive people ftw! x

  • Star Wars and Mark Hamill are to you what Star Trek and Leonard Nimoy are to me… ? Can we please start Skyping already!?! I have a feeling we’ll get nothing done lol.

    • Oh my God it’s like we’re platonic soul mates. I can’t wait to be new bffs! ??

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  • “In the end I come to a simple conclusion; I’m always obsessing about something.” – thanks Sara, this is basically my life’s problem summed up in one sentence πŸ™‚

    • Not a problem! Just… a challenge? πŸ˜‰ xx

    • Holly

      Was just about to say the same. And “usually it’s work & worry & keeping on going” — same; I have come to suspect in recent months that my fixation on worrying is ultimately more about having an obsession than about the specific worries.

      • Yes! It’s sort of liberating to realise this, as it gives those worries a little less power. Though it also means we’ll probably never be free of the cycle… ay me. x

  • Jimmie

    I was tiny when the first Star Wars movie came out, and I probably watched it 100 times. I had the biggest crush on Luke Skywalker (not Mark Hamill) because he had blond-ish hair. I thought he would be much cuter if he could ditch his nose and ears – a five-year-old can be picky about those things. Mark Hamill from back in the day is still cute, even with his nose and ears.

    • This is hilarious. Ears and noses are, in fairness, never the most exciting parts of a guy, so I think you were pretty wise in your youthful innocence! ?

  • Haha! So glad it’s not just me. So awkward, but so fun! x