sunshine & roses

I found the post below in my drafts folder earlier this week. My own words surprised me, because right now it’s all so different – Orla is in a ‘sunshine child’ phase, & we’re skipping along pretty happily in one other’s rhythm. It’s joyful, & all too easy to forget the days when it isn’t this way – especially if I edit them from my postings here. & so with that in mind…

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Having one of those days where I struggle to differentiate being mum to a toddler from being a slave to a tiny and entirely unreasonable dictator. Having a lot of those days lately, if I’m honest.

Coat thrown on the rainy path? ‘Pick it up mummy‘. Cartoons on the iPad – ‘Mummy do it‘. As in, hold this at my eye level until further notice, Mummy. Wipe my nose, cuddle me on cue, stick post-its on the bedroom floor with me, get me a drink, get me a different drink, clean up this drink I just poured on the floor. Mummy mummy mummy.

I’m being unfair – she’s actually pretty angelic – but it’s so tiring to always be hers and never my own.

The problem with parenting is, there’s no way out. Even when you think you really really would quite like there to be, you look at your tiny beautiful girl and realise your world is changed forever, and a life without her is too awful and unthinkable. Trapped, doomed to a life of fierce love, with lidless felt-tips, snotty noses and discarded bread crusts on the floor of the car.

It will pass of course, and things will change. Probably, we’ll decide we miss it and want to do it all again.
But it isn’t all sunshine and roses, it really isn’t, and anyone that tells you it is is either a liar or a much better person – and parent – than I am.

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{ dress: c/o christina rohde boots: c/o boden }

  • Lisa

    A hundred times yes. I am in total awe of the fierce love filling my life now and I’d have ALL of it every time over none of it. But yes, there are days (this week definitely) when I long for some me amongst the them! Even as I type this I’m being climbed and having a boat (laundry basket) shoved on my lap. Golden days indeed! Ha!

  • Little Beee

    It’s a constant rollercoaster of emotions.. I work full-time and endure the constant guilt of dumping my two year old at nursery despite the fact he loves it and they stimulate, teach and feed him far better than I could five days a week! When he’s being cute personified, I’m sad not to see him all week but when he’s going through his cling-to-my-leg-whine-every-two-second moments, I can be seen skipping off to work!.. But I wouldn’t have it any other way of course… x

  • You have summed up my daily turmoil in one post. As a parent, you’re forever wishing for that little break, some alone time but the moment you actually get it, you’re instantly missing them. The mister and I went away this weekend (Kid free) and the first hour of the journey was complete bliss however; this soon turned to boredom and all conversation reverting back to the kids. You can’t live with them but you certainly can’t live without them. Great post!

    Dominique x
    http://www.herfashionblog.com

  • I love this and your honesty! I’m not a mother, but I can imagine how easy it would be to lose yourself in constantly tending to your child. I think that while you are of course hers, you are still very much your own and being able to feed your own soul can only help you love and grow hers.

    Best of luck for the days without sunshine or roses!

    xx Katie
    lovely letters

  • BritW

    It’s exhausting, always, just in different ways. I think the “solution”, if there is one, is to get used to the flux, and have total acceptance that it’ll always be up and down. Enjoy the up’s, mama. <3

    • This is the wisest of solutions available. Exhausting and relentless, and so much fun x

  • TheDaydreamerDiary

    Thank you, thank you so much for speaking honestly and from the heart. I resented both during pregnancy and still resent now all those “perfect” stories and always happy faces, especially since I have no qualms whatsoever telling my peers what actually goes on when you are a mother of two who are less than 24 months apart. That’s just how it is, there are ups and downs – what I like about it, is that the parenting learning curve is always up-up-up, and that you learn and grow as you go (no handbook to hand) and that’s an enjoyable fact too.

  • Sheona

    It does become a bit of a distant memory. I remember those toddler days with huge rose tinted glasses…unless he really was a total angel. Can you remember? Interestingly, I have not forgotten the horrible early days when he was a baby!

    He is unrecognisable now, as an almost 7 year old. Things change so quickly x

  • Emory Ann Kurysh

    I don’t yet know what it’s like to be a mum, but hopefully one day, I will. Good and bad. And I write about it, being as truthful as you are. 🙂

    <3<3
    Emory
    helloscarlettblog.com