Did I mention I’ve been sick? I’VE BEEN SICK, YOU GUYS, and it was really, really bad.
Orla had it first – ten long days of fever and sleeplessness that ended in a visit to the doctors and a bottle of sticky sweet orange antibiotic syrup. Just as she began to emerge from it, I came down with the same, and lost a solid five days to the worst virus I can ever remember. I didn’t leave the house for a week. Even now, eight days on, I need a sit down after I’ve walked up the stairs.
Anyway, lest it happen to you too, I have compiled a helpful list of all that I learnt.
how to survive the flu
Tell everybody about it. When unwell it’s extremely important to make sure everybody around you knows you are ill. This serves the dual purpose of both protecting them from catching it and becoming unable to care for you, and also maximises the amount of sympathy you will receive.
Twitter. Twitter was, in all likelihood, originally invented specifically for people with flu and iPhones who needed to easily complain to a much larger audience. If you are feeling too weak to express your sickness through typing, regular gif updates will also suffice.
Request things via text. What else can you do when your throat hurts too much to shout and you need yoghurt and honey at 11pm??
Buy health gadgets from Amazon prime. I went for a steam nebuliser. It made absolutely no discernable difference to my health condition once it arrived, but the hope that might, and could arrive at any given minute kept me going through 24 miserable hours of flu.
Get more pillows. Everyone knows lots of pillows are v helpful when you are unwell. I went for a modest seven.
Eat toast. Toast is actually the most comforting and fortifying food known to man, which is why they give it to you in NHS hospitals after childbirth. If anything can get you through this, toast can.
Listen to your body. Thirsty? Drink drink drink. Craving everything on the COS website? Don’t question nature, just order that beautiful shit. When your bank statement comes and you want to cry you can blame it on the fever.
Watch comedy. I binged on Tim Minchin & Harry Hill and ended up laughing until I cried. Well, laughing until I coughed so hard I cried, but it’s basically the same thing, right?
Anyway, that’s all in the past, and I’m gearing up to kick some serious ass this week like the weak-legged, sticky-eyed kitten I now am.
I'm a bit fed up of being made to feel ugly. It's not by anyone who actually knows me or sees me, I should add - but, like any dutiful 21-centurion, I care not for these opinions and choose instead [...]