Autumn spider bastards

I found a huge dead spider floating in half a cup of cold tea by my bedside yesterday morning. I think it saved me from having a spider crawl on my face in the night but I remembered taking a sip of it in the dark…

I grew up with ‘Horatio’ in my bedroom window. She didn’t worry me at all until she had babies then there were a gazillion of them. I do think she lived until about ten years old as i was too scared to ever deal with her. The possum living in the wall was more of an issue…

NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE. Gotta burn the house down.

A giant perverted spider……..this is a line I endeavour to say myself one day. Perhaps not about my own experience though 😉

Ah, Sara, you are a girl after my own heart. I once was sitting on the floor sorting laundry, as you do, when a giant beast of a spider crawled out from under a shirt and ran at me full pelt. I got up so quickly that I dislocated my thumb in the process, and never again have I been able to even fake bravery around an arachnid!

We have awful large ones in Australia called huntsmen spiders, that will “follow” you around the house because they follow vibrations. While they technically won’t really hurt you, they can get as big as your face and are rather jumpy and fast.

Haha you did make me giggle with this, my cats are great at catching everything flies, mice, birds, hairbands are a favourite and kirby hair slides are literally number one on their hunting list. However spiders?! Nah…not for them. There is currently a very horrible striped yellow and black spider on the back of my front door – inside the house. I’m waiting until my other half arrives in a week to remove it… the joys of long distance relationships!

I hope your cat returns home soon lovely and that the spiders find a new home, maybe they could do a permanent exchange with Earl?

Peta xx

http://www.24hoursintoday.com

I have a theory that Ikea Billy bookshelves are actually designed to be spider homes. They have a little cutaway section at the base, at the back, to make space for the skirting board. And that is where the spiders go to live. With that handy little cutaway entrance into their homes. There’s a perfect dark, cosy space behind a bookshelf for a spider.
We have a LOT of Billy bookshelves in our house. I believe there is a spider living behind every one of those bookshelves. (they are quite well-read spiders?)
And you can’t evict them because the cutaway gap is too small for the Hoover nozzle.
I am not making this up! Go check your Billy bookshelves! (If you dare)
Jane

hmmm. But what if the spider skirted around the sucky-uppy bit, ran up the tube, up your arm and into your face? WHAT THEN? ?

my face right now: ???

Yes one like that! It means you can catch them at arms length rather than getting too close for comfort! It’s an absolute must have 🙂

I think Australian spiders are the granddaddy of scary spiders. We do have heartstoppingly scary ones though. I remember looking out my bedroom window once and directly in front of me was this huge arachnid. It had a substantial web that had an X! It was a garden spider but huge! Boy was I glad Philippine houses have screens in between the inside of the house and the glass panes! Right. I need to stop reliving spider-related memories or I’ll never sleep tonight! ?

No mention of daddy long-legs? They’re flying spiders, for God’s sake!

Boo! Sorry to hear you had a shitty morning but glad the spider bastards made it better! Your kind words mean such a lot to me ?. GAH to being bitten! Is this normal? I swear spiders didn’t used to bite as much as they do these days. I think they;’re getting worse… ?

It does help having to fortify and be the brave one, doesn’t it? I’ve found I’ve got better at dealing with them since Orla came along.
Your bug spray measures sound brilliant and entirely proportionate ??. What if there had been more? And more importantly, where can I get some of this stuff??
S xx

they’re ghastly, aren’t they? Hope you stay safe from their little leggy clutches x

I do wonder what causes so many of us to be naturally afraid of spiders? I like to think it is because we can sense the evil in them ?. I have slept in a different bed since the nighttime incident i mentioned above, so I do understand. I know the fear can be very very real and I’m impressed you even managed to read this post having such a big phobia yourself!
I hope you’re right about Earl. He was always a free spirit, but maybe that boarding school will teach him some sense! x

haha! I’m pretty sure Emiline Pankhurst did NOT die for our right to catch spiders! You’re very brave. x

YES. WHY. Aren’t they supposed to be small and fit into small gaps? And don’t even get me STARTED on those beetles. The big black shiny ones? UGH.
It’s nice to hear of multi-home cats out there. It feels entirely possible that Earl just found somewhere more willing to give up the wet catfood and so gave us up. I can’t even be mad – I’d move house for free food too.

the WHAT? Do I want to google this or not? ?

Bahaha! No wonder he wound up a bit jumpy! Yes, heebie jeebies describes me, most of the time. I think I’ve got better out of necessity since Orla came along as I really don’t want her to inherit this phobia. There have been a few occasions where my instincts have cut in though and I’ve scooped her up screaming, only to quickly try and style it into a fun game so she doesn’t know why! ??

Wow!! Are spiders in the Philippines better or worse as Australian ones? The bird web thing is the stuff of horror films! ?
If your partner is allergic to cats, I say it is their responsibility to catch the spiders for you ?. But you’re right – it could be much worse, so I’ll try to be grateful for that much…

Thanks Kayleigh! I feel hopeful he might.
I think I know the spider catching thing you mean. Like a tube with a handle? Does it work? I hate those harvest spiders too! One held me hostage on the sofa for two hours once while it sat on the floor, mocking me. I had to tweet for help! ??

? Well I’m very flattered you think so. It’s amazing what nonsense I can turn into a blog post on a dull day… ? xx

I think this is how Rory feels! He sort of loves that he’s the courageous spider saviour, but some of the big ones put even him on edge. I think he was less glad about it all the other night too, seeing as he was fast asleep and I went and stood in the bath which seemed, at 1am, the safest place to hide.
Fair point re pork loins. It is odd, especially as the pig died simply for the food chain, whereas killing spiders is for the benefit of ALL MANKIND ??

UGH. See, what other insect leaves behind a smell? None of them, because the spider crawled up directly from hell – science fact. Brilliant ladle use. I bet that’s the most action it’s seen all summer! ?

? so glad to find a likeminded soul – both in sense of humour and spider hatred! xx

HA! I just choked on my tea a bit at that last line. Damn right – none of us can be too careful ?

YES. Call it them to their face Julia. They deserve it x

I get an unwarranted amount of satisfaction out of the words ‘spider bastards’. I will take these words and say them every time I see such a spider bastard from here on in! Love the humour in this post x

I giggled all the way through, Sara. As someone who has never had too much of a fear of spiders I could still relate, especially when trying to move them with a cup, I mean, what if I go to put a cup or glass over the spider and it jumps in my face and eats my eyes? Then what?!
erin | words and pictures

this made me chuckle. your wordsmithmongering is just so! and I hate those indecently long-legged creepers also. thank you for such humorous tale of your spider encounters.

I once found a giant one under a damp pile of clothes, arrgh! It left the shell of a wee beastie behind, the remains of a little snack presumably. I did the only sensible thing, I calmly got a ladle from the kitchen and whacked it.

May I just say, you totally made my day! I was trying not to laugh but I’m afraid I still am. So talented you are, sweet lovely Sara! x

We keep getting these harvest spiders, the ones with the tiny body and really long legs, they just sit in the top corner of a room, very annoying! But nothing can beat those huge spiders almost the size of my hand, why do they have to be so big and scary looking! We have this spider catcher so we can put them outside unharmed, but sometimes they don’t even fit in the catcher 🙁 Enjoyed reading this post Sara!

I do hope Earl returns home soon.

Kayleigh | anenthusiasmfor.blogspot.co.uk

Well, as creepy crawlies go, spiders terrify me. Thank you for not posting a photo! I used to live in the Philippines and the spiders there are…gigantic. We have really huge brown house ones and ones that apparently can trap birds in their thick yellow webs! So I am glad to have moved to England where there are less (?!?) spiders. I would love a cat (both for the spider fighting ability and the company) but can’t have one because my partner is allergic. I have seen and killed several large-ish (size is relative because a spider is a spider is a spider and they terrify me whatever size!) spiders in the 8 years that I have lived here. I feel your fear and offer my commiserations. Hey, on a positive note, at least we don’t live in Australia where the spiders are…well, a heck of a lot scarier! 🙂

Both me and my husband are a little bit freaked out by spiders (he makes me do a spider check after he goes into the garage or loft so he doesn’t accidentally have one on him!) but he used to live with two serious arachnophobes. So much so that they rang him shrieking one day because there was a giant house spider in the kitchen – one flatmate had jumped up onto a chair and the other had run outside and accidentally locked himself out in fear! I can keep it together a bit better than that, but they still give me the heebie jeebies.

..and now i can’t stop thinking about the spider willy meme!!…

WHY ARE THEY SO BIG?? there’s one (that I know of) living in our house and it’s almost the size of a bloody tarantula, seriously there’s no need. I saw it scurrying up our bedroom wall just as I was falling asleep, I’m traumatised for life. Another thing that traumatised me was a beetle. I was just about to fall asleep one night when I felt something on my neck, it was a BEETLE *cries*

One of the neighbours’ cats visits us every single day to get fed and have a sleep too, I’m not sure how many homes he has but he was almost rehomed by the SSPCA once, he has absolutely no shame. Hope your cat returns home soon xx

I am aracnophobic since I was a child. I grew up spending weekends and holidays at my grandparents’ farm: cows, bunnies, hens, you name it. And of course there were bugs… and spiders. I couldn’t care less about bugs unless they were in my plate or my breakfast cocoa, but spiders terrified me. My brother used to mock me with that, but one day I went to my bedroom and I found one massive eight legged creature waiting for me on my bed… I ran away, my grandpa had to calm me down because I was hysterical, and I never slept in that bedroom again. In fact I slept with my grandparents, in their bed, for like a month. And only because my parents thought I was just being silly so they wouldn’t let me sleep with them.

So to me this post is rather a horror story… don’t get me wrong, it’s funny the way you tell it, but then, I imagine myself in your place and I’m terrified.

I hope Earl comes back home soon. Perhaps he’s gone to a cat’s boarding school where they will teach him the difference between mice or spiders and bunnies.

He,he this made me laugh!

Well I hate it but I’m the designated spider catcher in our family as my husband wont go near them… some times feminism sucks.

Haha. Loved reading this.

My house is being taken over by the beasts. I haven’t been attacked yet. Whoop!

This is the reason we’ve been collecting conkers like they’re going out of style. My grandmother swore they helped, and my poor, completely arachnophobic boyfriend will do ANYTHING to get rid of them. I personally think they are more effective as ammo to knock them off the walls with, nasty (not-so) little things. I used to be terrified but have somewhat got over my fear to help poor said terrified boyfriend, though after moving into our new place and discovering no less than FIVE giant bastards in the bedroom, I took matters into my own hands and used a can of the bug spray normally used to disinfect airliners, borrowed from my pilot father. Thankfully, we haven’t had any 8 legged visitors since!
Wonderful post, and I’m rather grateful you didn’t have any spider pictures to share.
Carrie x
ps. hope the cat escapes the spider bastards!

This made my day, honestly! I had shitty morning and then I read your article and had to laugh out loud in the bus. You are such a brilliant writter and so funny! You should definitely write a book or two, I would buy them all. I also love your english, mine is rahter bad and I always learn something new. Thank you Sarah, you truly are amazing! Btw I was never afraid of spiders until I wanted to prove my friends so. I took one kind of tiny spider in my hand and he was happily walking around. Then, he stopped and out of nowhere bit me in the finger! I swear!! Spiders are not friends, ever!