unwedding

YES. (sorry for the belated response, btw. I’m determined I’ll reply to every comment on this post in the end!). The rules! The idea of a venue specifying the food and photographer to me is suffocating – especially in light of how expensive the package deals are. No thank you, no way. I’ll be much happier in my cow shed with the things we chose together 🙂 x

I’m reading this comment a little late, but I’m so pleased you got a second chance to do it your way Tabby. It sounds brilliant, and the photos the icing on the unconventional cake. What a shame that your ‘big day’ was trampled for you to begin with 🙁 x

Also, as per the last comment I sent – clearly I meant ‘unwedding’ – I spotted before it headed off for moderation that it had mistakenly auto-corrected this to ‘unwitting’. Sorry! Please also feel free to remove the links I left in the comment if you prefer 🙂 x

Wow! It’s like I wrote this. The way you describe your ‘awakening’ to the conventional wedding, it’s very similar to my experience. Although I’m not engaged or married, I’ve been with my boyfriend for eight years and we live together so it’s only natural for me to have had some thoughts about what it would be like if we did get married.

The more I think about it, the more I am certain I do not want a conventional wedding. I might not even want a wedding at all. Who knows? For now, I’m trying not to think about it or make any mental plans but my thoughts and priorities are very close to yours.

You’re brave for stepping out of the norm and following your own way. It’s refreshing and reassuring for me to read your post, now I know I’m not the only one sick of seeing chair covers and organza. LOL.

Much Love,
-Stephanie Eva
http://www.unicornsteph.com

YES! I totally champion this perspective

Your plans sound brilliant – so important to do it your way. I wasn’t “given away”, hated that concept – we walked down the aisle together and we both gave speeches and I read some of my late Mum’s poetry in the service. There were no secrets – we got ready together (I showed him the dress the minute I bought it!) and Al straightened my hair 🙂 I’m so glad it’s done, though. I adore being married, but hate being the centre of attention! Good luck planning yours – I have no doubt it will be gorgeous and personal xxx

Your plans sound like perfection to me! We had no cake, no first dance, no bridesmaids, no photographer, no dinner even! We did have Some family snaps, some champagne a 30 minute reception and a flight straight to NYC though 🙂 Your day will be so magical x

I felt pretty much the same way, so to make it OUR day, we decided to make as much as we could or to have what we couldn’t make be personal to us. Our rings came from a local jewellery designer-maker. We made/printed the invitations, programmes, menu/placecards, and thank you notes. All of the flowers (centrepieces, decorations, boutineers, corsages, bouquet) were made from the paper of an incomplete 17th century book and Japanese tissues. Our “cake” was mini iced-cream buns (my husband’s favourite) from a local bakery, decorated with crystallised flowers and displayed on a cake-stand that my husband made. For the guests we put together goodie bags full of locally-made snacks and other products. I got lucky with my dress and found a 50s-style prom dress at M&S that fit with only minor alterations. Admittedly, we couldn’t have done all of this if our wedding was much larger (22 for wedding breakfast, 50+ for evening ceilidh-no dancing alone!), as it took a lot of time. But you can definitely make it your special day without being a bridezilla (and it sounds like you are well on your way). Best wishes!

We both changed our surnames when we got married.

The only good thing that came out of my wedding day was that I married my wonderful husband. The rest of the day was my mothers c’est la vie. Jx

I don’t have any of my ‘proper’ wedding photos on display as I can’t bring myself to look at them with any positive feelings. The minute we announced our engagement, my parents took the attitude that as I was ‘their’ only child, it was therefore ‘their’ wedding to arrange. The whole thing was a mess of cobbled-together compromises & the whole experience will be forever tainted with stress & misery. The only part of the whole day that meant anything at all was making my vows with my husband. A week later we were passing through Las Vegas on our way to the Grand Canyon & we decided to get married again at The Little White Chapel. I wore a gold sparkly mini dress & sandals, & carried a 20 dollar bouquet. There was just the two of us & it was tacky & kitch, but very emotional at the same time. Compared to the big, traditional, parental-approved farce, full of relatives I hadn’t seen for years, it was perfect. It’s the photos from this wedding that I treasure. Tabby

‘Pyro Pete’ sounds like just the ticket… you’ve inspired me to dig out the wedding pics… all 5 of them.
xx

We had a big-ish, about 80 people I think, wedding at my family farm- we had the reception in a marquee out on one of the lawns. As my parents wanted to foot pretty much all of the bill (we were young, broke with a toddler) we did do quite a few of the traditional wedding things as I suppose we felt we owed them that but we definitely put our own spin on them. We did speeches but I did one too, we had a band play but I was adamant I wanted only music we loved- indie and some old school rock classics and when they started playing your traditional cheesy wedding tracks I got mad and my brother in law had to rush off and tell them to return to the specified playlist (eeek…bridezilla!) Some of my fondest memories are when it just turned into a huge party and karaoke fest at the end, some of the guys started breakdancing and everyone was belting out songs at the mic. I just wanted really good, non-fussy food, amazing photos and flowers and all the people I loved there. It was an amazing day/night. I do wish I hadn’t chosen my dress so early on in the planning though as I thought I’d lost all my baby weight but clearly hadn’t. By the time the big day arrived it was literally a size too big and had to be completely altered to fit and never looked completely as it should have. Your wedding sounds like it will be a perfect reflection of the two of you and I cannot wait to see pictures! xxx

This spring will be thirteen years for us, so I’ve had plenty of time to reflect on our choices! When I think back, the parts that I still wouldn’t change are the photography, cake and fairy lights. We had a small wedding of 50 but if I did it again I would make it even smaller. I wouldn’t bother with traditions for the sake of them either. Oh but I still think of that cake! 🙂

There were a few things I wanted to do away with for the sake of time and money, but my husband wanted a nicer, traditional wedding in a church with rich carpet and stained glass. I’d rather get married in the woods, so we compromised and found a historic train depot well within our budget. We made it work! I had flora everywhere possible, we had a traditional ceremony, and then guests found seats at our outdoor reception where there was dancing and music and a big table of homemade pies (I dislike cake).

Oh you know it! x

This sounds just lovely – exactly the sort of wedding I want to go to! We kept some traditions, gave others a twist and got rid of some all together. Some we kept or twisted because we wanted to keep them in some form (my parents both walked down the aisle with me, but they weren’t giving me away, we all did speeches including my mum and me, because I’ll be damned if only guys get to speak at my wedding etc.) and some we kept because I knew they would mean something to our parents and grandparents (the fake photo at the registrar and the group shots, for example!). I think you can only do what’s right for you, but the more you do look into wedding traditions, the more ridiculous they do become. I did the bouquet toss because everyone wanted me to, but I actually think it’s kind of gross. The photo of my friends gearing up to catch it is one of my favourites, however – some of them have an almost rugby-like stance!

If you can’t have a sneaky snooze on your wedding day there’s something wrong with the world. Though I was so filled with adrenaline I wasn’t sleepy at all (even with a teething 7 month old son to cope with). You will have a lovely day, your plans sound wonderful!

So many brilliant personal details. I can imagine the struggle getting bridesmaids to feel ok out of traditional bridesmaid dresses – we’re all quite deeply conditioned to do weddings a certain way, after all! Love that you cut the things you didn’t want and stuck to it – and having seen The Hore once, I can well imagine the terror and fun! xx

This is pure romance. Every single aspect – including your poodle being called Orla! 😀 And the magical date! I love every single thing. Congratulations on such a beautiful day and three years of marriage. May you live long and happily ever after 🙂 xx

Hahaha – “the relatives who were only in it for free booze and food” – so they exist in every family then?! 😀

I LOVE how glam and relaxed your day sounds – so much laughter and joy is such a wonderful start to any marriage. The more I read these comments the more I begin to think I want a thousand different weddings! Perhaps I’ll have to convince R to renew our vows some day in NYC!

It’s come to something when it’s cheaper to get married in Vegas than England though, right? I love that you did this, though.
Love the idea of a journal – what a magical memory keeper for you. Please take a photograph of the pages or something should you ever lose that precious page. R’s mum had a similar journal she wrote when he was a newborn and it was recently ruined in a flood! ? xx

This sounds so wonderful – low key, magical, joyful and completely personal – just what a wedding should be! We’re going for BYOB too, and asking people to bring along their favourite cake for dessert. I hadn’t thought about leftovers – free gin and cake for a year sounds marvellous! 😀 Thank you for sharing your beautiful day x

This is glorious – oh how I wish someone would capture all these amazing unconventional wedding memories and write a book for brides like us! There’s something to be said for being older and being much better at sticking to your guns – a few years ago I’d have been so much more influenced by what other people wanted/expected us to do.
Spreading the festivities out over two days is a brilliant idea, too. I sort of wish I’d thought of this – my energy levels are appalling and as it is I’m planning on pitching our bell tend in the neighbouring field so I can sneak off for a snooze midway! x

Oh my! This is like a scene from a novel! Please write that book – it sounds adventure packed, and I’d love to read it!
Fireworks are on my list. There’s a local man known as ‘Pyro Pete’ who does the most amazing firework displays every bonfire night. I want him to do the same for us!

They (that style) are perfect for you.

I’m a firm believer in people matching up with what is right for them -part of why I want to do the DIY kit in a way – to give people more freedom to create something they want, without feeling like they need to buy something or commission something they think they should have via some pre-defined ideas / traditions – a vibe at the heart of your whole “do” I think.

Good move outsourcing, I’ve learnt the hard way that time is more important than saving a few pennies if the thing in question isn’t something you are wholehearted about. Free time doing what you love or spending it with family truly is priceless.

haha! Sounds perfect to me – and I’m guessing the food will be brilliant too! x

Oh, eloping to NY! This sounds like a fairytale. Strange and happy. I hope to look back and say just the same! x

It’s all about balance, isn’t it? Traditions can be lovely if they mean a lot to you or are something that the couple will really enjoy. It’s so nice that we’re able to pick and choose the things that really matter to us, and create special days as individual as we are 🙂 xx

Hurray! How lucky that you know James, Jo & Fiona too – there’s really nobody else I’d rather have (& I felt that way before I was even engaged! 😉 ). Love the idea of running away to wed and then a big party with cake and wildflowers. A girl after my own heart! xx

I knew you’d approve. I did consider a DIY, but time is so precious right now, and I could never create something as wonderful as Tara.. x

This sounds like a brilliant balance for you guys, and a really special way to make memories. I forget sometimes that we even have traditional English foods – are they all horrible from an outside perspective? haha! x

This! yes yes yes, exactly this :). You’ve just described my dream day far better than I managed to! x

I’m with you on this one. When we got married in 2010 we cared about the people, the music, chocolate cake and being outside as much as possible. I gave a speech, so did my husband. We walked in together hand in hand as there was no way I was being ‘given away’. I love my dad dearly but he doesn’t own me! My dress was handmade by me and mum (and red!) and we fed everyone a vegan buffet (as we’re both vegan). I also kept my own surname, though I still get letters at Xmas to Mr and Mrs His First Initial His Last Name. I’ve given up fighting it.

We did have table plans purely because we have some friends who didn’t know many people and didn’t want them to feel awkward, so we paired them up with people with similar interests or who live in the same city. It worked out quite well.

It was stressful at times as so many people told us that we should follow tradition, but I’m glad we stuck to what we felt strongly about. By a twist of events I’ve changed career path and now make wedding films for a living and specialise in alternative weddings as I want to be the vendor I desperately wanted when I was an alternative bride myself. I never thought I’d work in an industry which I largely detest haha 🙂

Your wedding day plans sound amazing, I hope you and R (and O!) have a ball!

We got married in the little village in France where my parents-in-law live, and where my husband spent every summer from when he was a baby. My husband came and met me before the ceremony, so the big “bride reveal” happened in private, as we’d wanted – I hated the thought of being the centre of attention!

We had our photos taken beforehand, so there was no waiting around afterwards and we could enjoy the time with our guests. The two nights before the wedding we’d held a big BBQ at the house and some drinks at a local bar, so we got to talk to everybody beforehand and there was less pressure to make the rounds at the actual wedding.

We drove our own car to the local town hall for the ceremony, and walked hand in hand to meet the mayor, who conducted the short ceremony in the garden. There was no aisle, and no giving away. Our reception was in a local restaurant (OK, it happened to be in a castle, but that was PURE COINCIDENCE!) which we booked out for the evening and we had a fabulous 6-course meal and wonderful local wines. We gave a joint speech. My husband is Scottish and the first dance was the Gay Gordons, so everyone could join in, and there was no “first dance” awkwardness. The evening ended with us all being kicked out at 1am and most of the guests continuing to party on the riverbank until dawn.

It sounds like you’ve decided on the things that are most important to you – forget everything else!

A few of our friends were married last year and it started me thinking about all the things you mentioned in this post; how there are SO MANY “RULES” that people are scared or worried about breaking because it’s tradition, that’s what you’re supposed to do.

There are so many issues with traditional weddings and venues really enforce rules on you (like only buying from their bar, having to accept their photographer, etc. etc.) that something that is so special becomes an absolute nightmare, which is terribly sad.

Your post had me nodding along the entire way.

We got married in Belfast city hall on a monday morning with just a couple close friends as witnesses. I wore a knee length dress from ASOS, and bundled some early spring flowers together for my bouquet, and wound some jasmine in my hair. After the ceremony we had no plans, and just wandered the city. We stopped by a bakery for cake and coffee, drank guinness and prosecco at the oldest pub in the city, toured the botanic gardens and the Titanic museum and ended the day drinking red wine and eating shed-loads of pasta at a cute italian restaurant. It was nothing like the wedding I had pictured for years growing up, but nevertheless it was perfect for us and one of the best days of my life.

I was an ‘anti wedding’ bride; on the day, I loved every single second… mainly because I worked so hard at avoiding the dreaded bridal magazines, I remained focused on what it was all about – US and I also made sure that we only invited those who really mattered to us.

We decided we would have a small wedding and ‘wedding breakfast’ at a beautiful, quiet wedding venue, then bus everyone down to our woodland for a huge party that went on until 5am and had everyone camping out in wooden tents! We had speeches, but did them at the start of the meal as we didn’t want that long wait and for those speaking to be put off their meal with the anticipation of speaking.

What you have planned sounds perfect. If it feels right to you, it will be amazing. Stay true to who you are, the couple you are and celebrate with the people you love the most and you will have THE most fabulous day. Xx

What a lovely idea! At our wedding we skipped the speeches (I don’t like wedding speeches, they make me awkward and uncomfortable) and we had (gourmet!) grilled cheese for our dinner. I bought all my favorite music off of itunes and we just hooked up an MP3 player to the sound system. We had a very casual but fun reception in an old theater downtown. A friend who styled my hair also did the table decorations (just tea lights and rose petals.) No flower girl or ring bearer. A friend played guitar and two others sang. I didn’t want any attendants but my husband insisted. I tried to convince my bridesmaids to just wear a navy blue dress of their individual choice but they decided to go to an official “bridal store” and order some that matched. So it wasn’t all exactly like I wanted but we had a fun day and everyone still remembers it fondly. We did end up having one speech when a friend of ours got really drunk and stood up on the bar to toast us, but it was awesome! We also had an impromptu Jewish Wedding Chair Dance (called The Hora, terrifying but fun!)

Sounds perfect.
We met January 2015 & then eloped in Cardiff registry office on August 20th (coincidently this date was also both My husband Buddy & my 28th birthdays on that date too) we share our birthday ?

A few days before we had a secret dinner party in an old boat house in the little Welsh village I grew up in. With our closest friends and family (15of us)

We had bean tins we’d sprayed copper stuffed with supermarket roses, an old tin bath full of Moët & my brother made us all Mojitos. We ate a Braai (buddys Afrikaans) lots of fresh lobster (caught by my grandad) , meats & big spilling bowls of salad & tiger bread.

I’m a baker so went to town on a desert table. I made a croqembouche (we didn’t have a stand for the centre of this, so the night before we borrowed a traffic cone) ?

As the sunset on the harbour, we stuck candles in the empty bottles and danced by moonlight until our feet bled. Orla my poodle wore flowers in her hair.

I wore a cream lace free people dress & no shoes.

We are extremely happily married for almost 3yrs. On our 7year itch we are going to have a blessing in South Africa. I imagine it will be much the same but next time a beautiful long dress, our babies & my father walking me down an aisle.

Enjoy every moment.
Unweddings are the best.

Sounds awesome! We got married abroad to avoid the traditions we didn’t want, and the relatives who were only in it for free food and booze! Central Park, NYC, with around 35 friends and family, photos in the park while friends found the football in a bar, then we all piled onto a tour bus for a tour of lower Manhattan and dropped off at a restaurant where we had a room to ourselves, ridiculously generous gins, no seating plan, and no cake (both our mothers do sugarwork, plus going overseas) instead we cut into a suckling pig we had for starter.

Only regret is my dress, I wish I’d spent more/made an effort, but I was younger and not really as aware as I am now. It was still the best time ever, we loved every minute of it

What made it for us was knowing that everyone there really wanted to be there, it was such a happy day. And avoiding all the conventions meant we could relax and enjoy the company. One of my favourite memories was after we left the meal. We stayed somewhere different to the venue so we hailed a taxi to our hotel, gave my bouquet to a bemused receptionist, then had a hilarious drunken trip to the nearest corner shop to find a mixer for the gin we’d bought in duty free, and snacks, and giggled our way back to our room where we carried on the party and looked back on our day, together.

Sounds as though you know what you want and you know how to get it, and I have no doubt that it’s going to look astonishingly amazing!

Well you know that I slapped convention in the face by getting married in Vegas – but I’ll be honest that was down to money rather than a two fingers at convention. However I love that we did something a bit different. And your day sounds very you and completely and utterly fab. For me the photos were and still are the absolute everything. Also one thing I did which I’d totally recommend is on the morning of the day, I got up really early and wrote a journal entry detailing how I felt, what the weather was like, how quiet the room was I was writing in, how I could see my dress hanging up from the window sill I sat on etc etc – I love going back and reading it. It takes me right back to it. I then did the same at the end of the following day talking in detail about the whole thing – and I’m so glad I did as I know I’d truly forget so much of the little moments had I not penned it there and then xxx

I definitely want a Jewish wedding, because Judaism is such an important part of my life, but also because Jews know how to throw a damn good party haha.

Thank you Jaye! We had a brilliant day 🙂 6 years this year!

Reading your comment made me smile so much, I think you had the right idea! Looks like you guys were focused on the most important things!

Sounds like you have your priorities straight! I’m married to a woman, and I think because we broke that convention straight away, it seemed that we could write our own rules – although in all honesty, had I married a man I still wouldn’t have felt bound by all the conventions you laid out! We had a bbq and although we bought it some wine for the reception, other than that it was byob (I love our venue for allowing us that!) which allowed for friends of all budgets to contribute and not feel stretched (we hoped) – and also meant we ended up with a stash of amazing quality spirits that have lasted us years! We didn’t have a photographer but just asked everyone to take loads of pictures and then send them to us on a disc at the end (I do wish I’d been more organised with that) and we came in with our respective parents. Helen’s dad spoke, and I spoke, because we were the two people for whom that felt right. I bought my dress a week before the ceremony and surprised myself by picking an actual wedding dress! We had three wedding cakes, including a family of 17 chocolate hedgehogs made by my mum (don’t ask!!) You sound like you have your head well and truly screwed on and that you are all set for a truly wonderful day. It’s really about celebrating what comes after the day, not the day itself – have a wonderful big party surrounded by love and friends and family – and cake! I will look forward to any glimpses you share here on your blog.

Oh, yes! We had exactly the same thought process, we were both 40 when we got married, having met about two years beforehand on a train on the way to a gig. We knew what we wanted, and were pretty uncompromising about it.

We had a two day wedding, close family and friends at the ‘service’ and then a second big party for friends who couldn’t get to us on a Friday. We wanted somewhere slightly unusual (no golf clubs, no hotels) and we were definitely not having a church wedding, but it had to be indoors because it was October. In the end my husband found a tiny link on a website saying the Ashmolean Museum in Oxford hosted weddings. I’ve spent a lot of time in that Museum during my archaeology degree (which I’d loved doing) and after, and so had he, being a local boy.

So we married in an 18C room, with a harpsichordist playing for us. Our florist almost screamed with delight when we said we wanted our flowers to look like an autumn hedgerow (she was amazing, I can’t think many people have conkers in their table displays). We had our very casual wedding dinner in the Museum café – an undercroft garlanded and lit with sparkly lights beautifully by our florist. Our wedding cake was un-iced (I cant bear marzipan) but with lovely wensleydale cheese to go alongside, because I’m from Yorkshire and that’s how we have fruit cake there. We had the Oxford Waits to sing incredibly bawdy ballads after dinner.

The next day – because we couldn’t fit everyone in for the wedding itself – we had our second party, a huge ceilidh with a band we’d met running the folk festival. The morris side I danced with then came along, we were hoisted on chairs at one point. We had Hog roast, apple crumble and custard, and local ale, it was quite riotous, and it was the most amazing weekend!

Sounds wonderfully simple. I think so many feel obliged to go through all the traditions of a big white wedding.

We were travelling in Paraguay when Richard popped the question. We ended up getting married in a registry office in Ascunsion with Mr Dibbins, the English Ambassador, as one of our witnesses, the Charge D ‘affaire, Mr Silvero as the other and an interpreter. We wore chinos, white shirts and bandanas and confirmed our vows with the simple word Si. Then back to the embassy in the Ambassador’s Jag for champagne and the longest fax ever of faces of family and friends.

Of course on our return we had s big party, but no seating plans, first dances etc.. But we did have fireworks!!

Exciting times for you Sara.

It is all sounding so very wonderful, Sara. Simple is, of course, always best in these situations. And September Letters, oh my! So lovely.

We eloped – ran away to New York and got married at the registry office while the snow fell outside. Given the choice I wouldn’t change a thing (…maybe my dress). One of the strangest yet happiest days of my life 🙂

We had what would be considered quite a traditional wedding but we did skip a few things. The most important things for us were really good food and wine, beautiful flowers, a dress that I felt a $1m wearing and our friend to take the photos so I’d relax and they’d be quick! We had a church ceremony because our faith matters to us and our register photos are us actually signing. But we skipped the first dance thing because it didn’t sound like fun to us. I hope you find the perfect way to celebrate for you, at the end of the day there are a lot of traditions but very few actual rules!!

I am a big advocate of the unwedding! So much so that we ran off to San Francisco and did it alone this last September. Once home, we had a party for our loved ones, with cheap but beautiful wild flowers in tin cans and a homemade cake. I can’t wait to see photos x

P.S – Your choice of photographer and flowers couldn’t be more perfect – I’m lucky enough to have done a bridal shoot with both and can attest to how brilliantly talented they each are.

Hooray for beautiful invitations! Snail mail for the win I say… (but then I would really)

Your plans sound wonderful and perfect for you! I look forward to hearing/reading more. For us, we “skipped” having a ceremony and instead, held a large English Christmas wedding reception for all of our family and friends here to attend. We then traveled to London to visit the rest of his family and for me to officially meet in person. It was perfect for us. We got to share traditional English foods with our family and friends the first week of December when we wed, then 1 week later, traveled abroad. It was perfect for us. xx

Your wedding plans sound exactly like what I’d want! I envision a barn somewhere in the countryside, with fairy lights strewn up in the beams and on the trees outside. Bands playing, flowers everywhere, one big long table with bowls full of food for guests to serve themselves. I hate the thought of walking down the aisle to be ‘given away’ like a piece of property, standing and grimacing for forced photographs (I’d prefer a photographer to capture natural moments) and being forced to dance/speak/command attention in a room full of people.